16 October 2019
Rule #3: Don’t be an @$$hole
This is a rule that requires much unpacking. In general, it speaks to intent, the idea that we have agency to decide how to interact with others. It is a call to avoid creating unnecessary drama or non-productive attention to oneself. It asks to increase harmony, thriving, collaborative effort.
Every society’s rules and mores seems to point toward order and harmony. There is an implicit idea that there are standards for what is ‘true’, ‘right’, ‘fair’. Further, these ideas, while they can exist on a spectrum, do not point to moral relativism. It asks for agreement, truth, harmony. Every major culture has scripture which implores one to use equal weights, which implies that left to their own devices, most persons will rig the weights to improve their position. For small exchanges, it makes a small difference. For big exchanges — rules, policies, laws — a small difference in those weights leads to vast differences, creating large social imbalances, discordances between those affected.
There are times when disruptive ideas and technologies are needed in order to improve the general welfare of society. However, they are “disruptive” to the unthinking, deep-rooted automated patterns by which most of us go through our day. These “disruptions” add perceived value to our productivity, efficiency, and/or energetic balance when adopted. The intent is not to put a spotlight to any one person, subset, or group for better or worse. The intent is collaborative, to improve some aspect of this life experience for all who intend to use it.
On the other hand, there seem to be a subset of persons who, for whatever reason, have a need to draw attention to themselves by any means possible. These persons have practiced their every entrance as a full frontal assault in as many ways as possible in situations when theatrics are not necessary: clothing, hair, speed/volume of words, body movement, etc. Hoochie. Three-eight (for those who speak Chinese). Their entrance serves no one but to disrupt and suck all the energy in a room onto themselves. In their interactions, they drop subtle (or not so subtle) hints that sow discord about others, cutting competitors down to give themselves a relative leg up. They make statements that have unspoken premises that your unpracticed brain doesn’t necessarily pick up as a hostile attack, but simply assumes that is the case.
Examples? “Has he stopped beating his wife?”, implying that someone does beat his wife. “Is she still cheating on him?”, implying that someone has been cheating. “Will you forsewear allegiance to the Japanese Emperor…?”, implying that every Japanese- American during WWII was a spy for Japan. These are covert, sneaky attacks that plant an unsuspecting premise that has to be rejected, with full awareness that most people just don’t process that deep. You are left unsettled and are manipulated to act negatively the next time you interact with said target. This is sowing discord. It doesn’t add to universal harmony and is completely self-serving. About the only way to turn it back and restore any sense of harmony is to call it out in real time: “Disguising gossip that someone is abusive/cheating/spying… May want to assess your own deep-rooted fears,” or something to the like. More likely than not, that will be the last time you have conversation with that person, which leaves more time to be have happy, healthy, harmonious interactions with actually good people.
What is your moral currency? Is it to create harmony and collaborative effort with those around you? Or do you create drama and discord with every interaction for some unconscious, subconscious, (or worse) conscious desire to simply draw attention to yourself with no regard for the unjust harm done to others? Life is not zero sum. Great mustard trees are born from the tiniest of seeds with little more than water, sun, and soil. Isn’t it better to appreciate that grandeur than to cut it down for no more gain than bask in the sun temporarily?
In the beginning, there was the word. Check your premises before you speak. Speak impeccably of self and others. Be an agent for bold, benevolent harmony.
Mama's Rules 